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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Burning Out Again

Today would've been a perfect day for a run, but I settled for a walk. I had this sunset for scenery and Switchfoot for my soundtrack. Their lyrics seemed quite appropriate for the situation.

Remember earlier this month when I said that "it seems like whenever I tell someone I'm doing better, I start doing worse again"? Check and check.

I've got a wound that doesn't heal
burning out again, burning out again
I'm not sure which of me is real,
and I'm alone again, burning out again

My hope runs underneath it all,
The day that I'll be home

It won't be long, I belong
Somewhere past the setting sun
Finally free, finally strong,
Somewhere back where I belong

Monday, January 16, 2012


My first two days in Columbia have reminded me why I love this city so much. I kind of wish I could stay in this pre-semester state and just hang out with people and never write a paper or study for a test again. Someone assure me that I can handle the workload.

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Thinking about leaving Kentucky makes me want to cry. I'm so excited to see everyone in Missouri, but I hate the idea of saying goodbye to everyone here. My little heart feels like it's ripping. It's been stretched too far this year. Bits of it are scattered all around the country — in Kentucky, Missouri, Georgia, North Carolina, Indiana, Tennessee, Virginia and even places I've never been like Texas and New York and Wyoming. If people I love are there, at least some part of my heart is, too. I don't think it can take any more goodbyes.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Workin' on my layout

Sorry about the mess. I'm trying to manipulate my blog layout with my mind my very limited understanding of HTML. 

This picture is relevant on MULTIPLE LEVELS. #pleasedwithmyself

That Boy on The Bachelor

I'm trying not to let Bachelor Ben's taste in women taint my opinion of men as a whole.

But his behavior on tonight's episode reminded me of too many guys I've met.

It was like watching my memories of middle school played out by adults:

  • Mean, self-absorbed girls who are friendly to boys and cruel to girls
  • And dumb boys who can't see past a pretty face (and/or various other features)

I'm already too invested in this completely ridiculous/wildly entertaining show.
Ben better pick Kacie B! If he doesn't, I might lose all hope in the male species.

(You know, that hope I barely managed to hold onto that time Jake picked Vienna over Tenley.)

Sunday, January 8, 2012


Sleepover with these pretty ladies took precedence over blogging last night.

Apparently I held my chopsticks upside down. #typicalkate
We were eating American food, so I'm not even sure why we got them in the first place!
Points for trying, right?

Friday, January 6, 2012

Top 5 Friday: Guilty pleasure music

I'm following Annie's lead and posting my top five guilty pleasure songs — songs I'm slightly embarrassed to love but love anyway.

Before I begin, let me tell you that close runners-up included everything Justin Bieber, old school Goo-Goo Dolls, "Breathless" by The Corrs, "When I Look at You" by Miley Cyrus and several songs from Britney Spears's glory days. In the end, however, these five prevailed:

5. "Real World" by Matchbox 20 | Best part: intro notes
No words adequately describe how much I love this song and how thrilling I find the little five- and three-note motifs that repeat throughout it. NO WORDS. p.s. Had to embed this song from MySpace because YouTube wouldn't let me. What year is it again? 

4. "Lullaby" by Shawn Mullins | Best part: 3:20 (He goes all de-crescendo and re-crescendo on you.)
When he sings "everything's gonna be alright," I believe him. I did in third grade, and I still do.
Forewarning: Video is sort of questionable right around the aforementioned best part of the song.

3. "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer | Best part: chorus
Earlier this semester I watched this music video in my apartment like six times in a row. Also, I will watch She's All That repeatedly just for the moment when this song plays as Rachael Leigh Cook walks down the stairs post-makeover and Freddie Prinze Jr. realizes how beautiful she is. (I'll also watch it repeatedly because FPJ is totes adorbs. I believe I've mentioned this before.)

2. "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys | Best part: 2:22-2:32
This spot could really go to any of BSB's numerous hits. There's just something about a man in all white ... surrounded by slash harmonizing with four other men in all white.

1. "My Heart Will Go On" by the Céline Dion | Best part: note at 3:22
I was like 8 when Titanic came out — too young to see/appreciate Jack and Rose's PG-13 romance but not too young to appreciate the soundtrack to their romance. Also, I one time scored a 100 on this song while playing Karaoke Revolution. (The only other song I ever scored a 100 on was "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. What can I say? Wide range.)

What are some of your guilty pleasure songs?

Thursday, January 5, 2012

My Cold: A Poem

I cannot breathe, I cannot smell
I have been damned to sinus hell
My tissue box is nearing hollow
I die inside each time I swallow

I'm downing Sudafed like candy
Got eucalyptus cough drops handy
Got Tylenol and Zicam, too,
Even a Benadryl/NyQuil brew

I pile on blankets but quiver and freeze
With icy fingers and shivering knees
I prop myself up, pillows on pillows
In hopes to somehow appease my ill nose

But nothing works! It's all in vain
So in the darkness I have lain
For hours on hours with nothing to do
But pray I make it another night through

If I do not, I've a few final pleas
Remember me not for my cough and my sneeze
Remember the good days — before my congestion
Donate my organs, but I have one suggestion:

Do not donate my respiratory system

Impostor Syndrome

If you know me well (or have read this blog for much time at all), you know that I worry a lot. Like a lot a lot. Like about everything.

Every time I'm facing a new semester — or a new job or a new test or a new assignment — my tendency to worry manifests itself as Impostor Syndrome. No matter how well I have done in the past in similar situations, I am wholeheartedly convinced that I will fail in the future. I've somehow conned my way into my current situation, and it's only a matter of time before my inabilities are brought to light.

For example, I call my mom before almost every test and tell her that I'm going to fail. I haven't had enough time to study, and I don't understand the information, and I have six other projects that I'm trying to work on. And I'm going to FAIL.

(My brain continues: I'm not really cut out for grad school. Not bright enough for Missouri. Not as capable as the other students.

I hadn't even realized that I always did this until my mom pointed it out during one of my pre-test meltdowns back in my college days. She said something to the effect of, "Kate, you always call and say you're going to fail, and you never actually fail." (So now I'm aware of the fact that my breakdowns are unmerited, but I still have them.)

A few weeks ago, I was talking to some of my friends, and I was amazed to learn how many felt the same way about various situations in their lives. I knew these girls to be capable and smart and diligent. I could think of dozens of reasons to reassure my friends that their successes were deserved and that they would continue to succeed in the future. When it comes to my own successes, however, I never think I'll be able to keep up the act. 

This is what I'm dreading about the new semester. I'm dreading the feelings of Impostor Syndrome, dreading the sense of inadequacy and the anticipation of failure. I think hearing that my friends felt the same way was somewhat reassuring — not because I want them to feel incapable but because I know they aren't. And maybe the more these feelings get talked about, the more we'll be able to fend them off. 

p.s. In writing this blog, I came across this interesting Impostor Phenomenon test. I would definitely answer often or very true for almost all of the statements on the test. Yikes! Here are a few examples: 

  • I have often succeeded on a test or task even though I was afraid that I would not do well before I undertook the task.
  • I avoid evaluations if possible and have a dread of others evaluating me.
  • When people praise me for something I’ve accomplished, I’m afraid I won’t be able to live up to their expectations of me in the future.
  • I tend to remember the incidents in which I have not done my best more than those times I have done my best.
  • I rarely do a project or task as well as I’d like to do it.
  • I often worry about not succeeding with a project or examination, even though others around me have considerable confidence that I will do well.

Do you ever feel like an impostor?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Instagram Love

Instagram is arguably my favorite iPhone app. (It pretty much makes even the most mundane moments look dreamy.) But I've long lamented that there was no real way to see people's pics online without clicking on them individually from Twitter or Facebook. Enter INK361, the site we've all been waiting for. You can see people's entire Instagram albums and comment and like them from the site! Yes, please.

Y u no like my hat?

Here's my INK361 page.
Are you on Instagram?

It's a good week for television, y'all.

There's so much drama on this couch right now!

Which shows are you looking forward to? Anything as embarrassing as my selections? 

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year's Hope

I'm not big on New Year's resolutions, but I am big on hope.
Hope is a word that I cling to as my own. It has come to define my life in so many ways.
Hope in the Lord's promises has given me strength and peace and resilience when I most needed it.

(This hope and this hope and this hope and this hope, among others.) 

And my hope for this year is the same hope I've had for the past several years: I hope to run again.

For the first six years after my legs started hurting, I would try running a few times a year. I would test my legs — out of curiosity or impatience or upset — and see how they reacted. And the reaction was always an increase in pain, a week or so of punishment for my indiscretion. But I've run more in this past year than in the previous six combined. I've hit the road — or the dirt or the treadmill — and felt mostly just the pain of normal muscle soreness, not of injury.

Since I've been home, in fact, I've run four times. I didn't run long, and I didn't run fast — for the record, I was never fast — but I ran, and my legs and back mostly cooperated. And that is a huge step forward.

During the first of these four runs, I looked over from the treadmill and saw a guy I went to high school with but haven't talked to in a while. I remembered a picture that was taken of us at church camp in 2005. We were in the rain, and I was in my wheelchair. I hadn't thought about this picture in years. (It was pre-Facebook, you know?) How funny, I thought, to look over and see him now and remember that moment and those wheelchair months, which seem so long ago, as I pound away on the treadmill.

And then a few days ago, I was looking through old pictures and came across the same one. It's so funny to see that little me and think of all that has happened since then. So many doctors and physical therapists and misdiagnoses and tests and tears and painful months. And, at the same time, so many reassurances that the Lord would heal me.

I'm closer than ever to having that hope realized — not realized as in understood but realized as in fulfilled.

It's scary to put this all into words. It seems like whenever I tell someone I'm doing better, I start doing worse again. The pain is not gone yet, and I know that it might not be gone for months or years to come. But it's not like it used to be. It doesn't control my life anymore.

And I'm more hopeful than ever that I will return to running for good. There's no way for me to sum this blog up neatly at this hour. All I know is that He who has promised is faithful and that this gives me hope for a new year.
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